And Today's Special Is...

I’m not special. I know what you just thought as you read that. Wait a minute, isn’t this blog about optimism? Well, yes, it is and believe it or not, the fact that I can finally admit that I’m not special is a step in the right direction. Accepting my own normality frees me from grandiose expectations and allows me to finally be happy by accepting who I really am.

Remember way back when we were all young? For some of us that isn’t so long ago, but for me it is half a lifetime. When I was young I can remember being told by everyone in my life, “You can do anything you want to do”. “You might be the first woman President. You might cure cancer. You might author world peace.” I’m not sure if I was more trusting or gullible, but I ate those words up like candy. Like candy, they became a part of me. I accepted that those were legitimate expectations and that unless I managed to pull off something spectacular with my life that I was letting others down and was in fact a failure.

I’m not sure how parents and teachers are supposed to inspire children without also feeding them false hope. I mean how motivated would have I have been in algebra if my teacher had said, “You will only use this when there is a super bargain at the grocery store and you are buying for the entire month”. No, telling me that algebra is important to anyone working in NASA was far more motivating. I never saw myself walking in space, but I knew that astronauts were important and I was destined to be important, so I could wind up at NASA, therefore I’d better learn algebra. By the end of the second year I was fairly certain NASA would not be knocking on my door, but there were other important careers out there like doctors, lawyers, politicians, research scientists and movie stars. Why must unrealistic expectations be dangled to motivate students? Why isn’t a normal life acceptable motivation in this country? Maybe it is and I just missed the point growing up, but for whatever reason the prison of unrealistic expectations has been my home for far too many years.

I think it was on my fortieth birthday when I started wising up. I was staring at myself in the mirror thinking “Not that many more shopping days before Christmas, what are you going to be when you grow up?” and then seeing a few wrinkles I realized that I was grown up and had been for years. My life wasn’t going to be some magical time travel miracle that never ended. One day my life would end and spending my time waiting for some magical special career to find me was a waste. I already had a good life, a normal life, but I treated it at times like a way station. It was my first life, the place where I was waiting for my real destiny to find me, but looking back even I couldn’t make that kind of thinking sound sane. It was crazy talk. Now I accept my life and realize that it’s a good one. Perfect, no, but I gave up perfect years ago. Perfect tells me that nothing and no one is enough. Yeah, perfection is an illusion that the world created to keep us all heads down and working harder. I reject perfection, it is the prison located next door to unrealistic expectations.

So, the lights are now on and I’m seeing life in a new way. I’m accepting that it’s okay that I’m working part-time at a job that I love while going back to school in midlife. It’s okay that I have twenty pounds to lose and that wrinkle creams don’t work. It’s okay that I have a degree I don’t want and never plan on using. I selected that career out of fear and by default. I didn’t know what I wanted to be, so I picked something that I knew, something familiar, a safety net, but honesty at this point in time I think I would only use it if there were no other options. It’s okay that I’m not going to have my name on a plaque or fly to the moon. It’s okay that people don’t know me out in public or call me to see what I might be able to do to fix health care or the education system. It’s okay that I don’t know how to end wars or save our planet. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m enough. Happiness triumphs titles and salaries scales.

Happiness comes from accepting who I am and where I fit into the puzzle. I’m not that center piece what makes it all make sense. I’m a small piece slightly inside the edge somewhere up in the sky or clouds. I’m happy with that. That’s my place and I have two choices I can embrace it and be happy or reject it and spend the rest of my life grieving the fact that I’m not a bigger piece. Wow, easy answer for me. I want to live and be happy everyday that I have.

I’m not sure exactly where all of my unrealistic expectations came from, but like a virus they are contagious. I’ve spread them around to others with a comment here or there. “You can do anything”, “You should be president of the company”, “You are smarter than everyone else”, “You know more than they do”, “No one sees the world like you do”, “Things would be better if you were charge”, “They are just jealous of how special you are”, “You are the best and the brightest”, and so on. This is the breeding ground for false selves. I know because I grew up creating a mask I’ve lived behind for years.

These false masks that we create tell us that we are too special or not special enough to fit into the rest of the world. We can’t be ourselves so we have to be other people. That’s a lie. These masks are created out of the imbalance of who we know we are and who we think that others want us to be. They aren’t helpful. Just like the ones we slipped over our faces on Halloween, they obscure our vision. We can’t see where we need to go and so we stumble along and have a much harder time finding the right path.

I’m not special. I’m not going to walk on the moon or save your life. I can knit a warm scarf and bake some comforting cookies, but no one is going to line up to buy one of my designs or to eat one of my meals. I’m normal. I’m the person you pass in the grocery aisle and never think of again, but that doesn’t make me less. I have worth. Not because anyone else tells me so, but because I say so. Living a normal life ain’t so tragic. In fact, it’s pretty terrific!

Problem Solvers Apply Here

I used to consider myself a prime applicant for any position that involved problem solving. My problems, your problems, world problem, any problems I was up for the challenge. I was certain that given all the facts, I could come up with at least one, and usually more than one, viable option to solve any problem. I'm not sure if this attitude was delusional or naive, probably both.

What I know now is that I can't even manage to solve my own problems, so I'm quite sure that I can't solve yours. When problem solvers enter our lives they tend to undermine our confidence. That's what all these past efforts did to the people around me. Someone would mention an issue they were having and before they had even finished explaining their situation, my mind was already spinning out solutions. What my actions were really unintentionally saying though was, "You can't possibly find a good solution without me." In other words, by not allowing someone to find their own solution, allowing them to trust their own abilities to problem solve, I was undermining their confidence. This creates more problems that need to be solved and so on and so on until everything in life starts to look overwhelming and like a problem.

This warped overestimation of my abilities does create job security. I mean let's face it once I've convinced everyone around me that I'm the only one who can solve their problems then I am certain to have unlimited problems to solve, but I wasn't looking for job security. Nope, in fact, I was solving problems to help people, but turns out it only managed to hurt them. I failed as a problem solver because my efforts resulted in the opposite of my goal. It is a good thing that I finally reached the point where I could admit that fact. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, so now that I know that problem solvers only cause more problems, I can let go of that unrealistic and damaging, albeit, well meaning behavior and replace it with something that is truly helpful. Like listening.

Listening is a dying art. In the past I've been so eager to share my unique, creative, wonderful, one of a kind insights with others that I have never allowed anyone to finish what they were trying to tell me. Communication is the key to knowing someone, to understanding that person, and to developing and maintaining a relationship with another person. Listening is half of the process known as verbal communication. I was only interested in the talking half of the process, so no wonder I knew so little about the people in my life. Now, I'm listening. I'm letting others tell me their problems AND their solutions. It's amazing how different conversations are when they involve a dialogue instead of a monologue. I'm listening and learning that everyone is a good problem solver if given the opportunity to brain storm their own solutions.

I don't always agree with the "best" solution a person might pick, but that's just my opinion and I have a 50/50 chance of being wrong. Actually, since we know ourselves better than anyone else, I would say that I have more than a 50/50 chance of being wrong. The good news is that once we pick a path, we don't have to write our solutions in concrete. They don't stand there before us for the rest of time. Solutions are more like waves that ebb and flow, the wave comes in and the wave moves back out. We try one thing and then we try another. Life is a lot easier when we allow ourselves this kind of freedom. Freedom to try new things, to follow our instincts, to admit our mistakes and to try something new, these basic liberties remove a lot of stress from our decision making process.

Imagine if you had to make a decision and right before you made up your mind someone said, "Think about it because whatever you choose can never be changed. You are stuck with this decision for the rest of your life." Whoa! That would be a difficult final decision to make for me. I used to believe that such was life. I was stuck with decisions that I made and if I admitted I had made a mistake that I would be considered a failure. Who can survive living under such strict and harsh standards and expectations? Well, I did, but I didn't enjoy life very much that way. Accepting that we are all human is the best place to start. Accepting that all humans make mistakes is another important fact to remember.

So, looking back at my life I have been very human. I have made lots of mistakes. Many of my decisions I wish I could reverse, some I can, such as what I'm doing now by deciding to embrace optimism, some decisions I can't reverse, but that doesn't mean I have to beat myself up for them. Nope, no good comes from beating myself up for past mistakes. I accept them. I learn from them. I move on. That's the best that I can do.

By giving up my job as a problem solver, listening more and talking less, accepting my own humanity and the imperfections that come with it, I can live a life that is kinder and gentler. I can see how life ain't so tragic after all. So all you problem solvers apply here for a new job that of a good listener and human being. It won't feel as powerful as your previous position, but that's okay, power is an illusion. Besides, I'd choose peace and kindness over power any day. Frankly, I think that you will find that once you can openly admit that you don't have all of the answers that life will become a lot easier to live, not only for you, but also for all the people you've been trying to help. At least that's how this change in jobs has worked out for me.